Pleased to meet you …

Well, the International Astronomical Union has gone ahead and wiped out the American planet Pluto as we warned earlier, securing the passage of Resolutions 5 and 6 at the 2006 IAU International Congress to unleash their dastardly French Science-Based Document (SBD) press release, all that’s left out there is a cloud of “plutons” and an empty parking lot for the New Horizons spacecraft.

In the effort to get the innocuously named Resolution 5A passed there is some odd language used (French?):

“(2) A dwarf planet is a celestial body that (a) is in orbit around the
Sun, (b) has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body
forces so that it assumes a hydrostatic equilibrium (nearly round)
shape, (c) has not cleared the neighbourhood around its orbit,
and (d) is not a satellite.”

Item C was obviously a swipe at Pluto, which crosses inside the orbit of Neptune during it’s trip around the sun.

Here’s where things get weird for me: There are many diverse “mass challenged” (a more PC term than “dwarf planets”, I should think) objects - comets, asteroids, rocks, chunks of ice, etc.- that orbit the Sun and also cross the orbits of just about every one of the “classical” planets, some at significant inclinations to the plane of the ecliptic, some right along the ecliptic. They go about their business in the Solar System as is their right under the Laws.

If every “classical” planet’s orbit is intersected by the orbit of other objects going ’round the Sun, how do they determine that the “neighbourhood” is clear? I didn’t see a formula for determining an acceptable orbital neighborhood; is there some Homeowner’s Association to check out the orbit and make sure there aren’t any Undesirables going in or out of the area? Whoops, here comes a comet, there goes the neighbourhood! Someone call 911!

Based on that bit of logic, one could make a case for getting rid of all the planets altogether, based on unacceptable orbital association, and evidence from the local Neighbourhood Watch busybodies.

Unless someone wants to make the mineral- and chemical-rich Inner Eight area a gated community, that is.

And if they do, I won’t be there. Segregation and apartheid have no place in this Solar System, and I’ll restate my feelings regarding the treatment of all bodies orbiting the Sun:

“Instead of waiting until there are insurmountable problems accommodating them [the mass-challenged trans-Neptunian opjects], let’s offer them a chance to become legitimate and equal objects to those we learned about in Elementary school.

And let’s give them ALL names and official status.

Just as we teach our children about the history of our country and our world but don’t make them learn the name of every citizen in the phonebook, we can teach them about the first “wanderers” humans observed in the heavens, and perhaps write some new chapters about planets called Pluto, Xena, and others. Chapters about equality and perseverance and basic rights of all those orbiting this medium-sized yellow main sequence star.

No matter what star you formed around, what part of an accretion disk you came from, what your albedo is, what your mass is, or what your natural resources are, we all have something of value to contribute to the Solar System.” [You can read the entire text of this item here.]

Perhaps the better answer is simple: In the name of Equal Rights for All Under the Sun, no more “planets”.

Thanks, IAU.

© Copyright by the author 2006, all rights reserved.

We wrote last week about the threat posed by the International Astronomical Union’s French-based Science-Based Documents (SBDs) to the planet Pluto, and mentioned some of the back-door diplomacy that the Arbusto Administration was using to try to defuse the situation, with a proposal based on one we had made some months back.

Despite much bearing down by the Bush Administration on the volatile situation, the IAU appears to have built up enough International pressure to pass the measure, and unleash a volley of planet-busting SBDs as early as tomorrow (August 24th, 2006).

But there are several nebulous proposals floating over the IAU Conference in Prague that could potentially comprise an SBD at a level capable of blowing Pluto to plutons.

The seat of the matter appears to be a disagreement over, of all things, gas.

There are fairly well thought-out standards in regard to planetary size and orbit, but there has been a bit of a blowout over a requirement that a planet be able to retain a gaseous envelope around it, namely, an atmosphere. We are astonished at the very idea that a body’s ability to emit and/or retain gases could be what separates planets from acceptance or reduction to who-knows-what.

For example, a body that meets the physical requirements of a planet but has all of its atmospheric resources frozen solid in the dark wastes many AU from Sol would not be a planet, even though if it happened to suddenly be moved closer to the Sun it would burst forth with an explosion of chemical effervescence and ferment in its own brumousness.

This latest threatened IAU SBD now not only threatens Pluto, but possibly Mercury as well.

We will help keep you on top of this potentially explosive SBD situation, and its foul repercussions.

bc

© Copyright by the author 2006, all rights reserved.

This week astronomers announced that they have found solid evidence of “dark matter”, an elusive substance that may account for up to 25% of Everything in the Universe. Which is a lot more than all the Toyotas ever produced laid end-to-end, every piece of luggage ever lost by an airline, every Beatles CD ever burned (including all the illegal stuff), and every sock ever lost in the laundry put together.

Q. You might be asking, “What is “dark matter”, and can I buy some on eBay or Amazon.com?”

A. Not yet.

One difficulty in selling dark matter is that no one knows what it actually is (though this did not stop the Segway  or “Snakes on a Plane” marketing teams). Some speculate that it could partially be composed of non-luminous space junk, gas, dust, rock, and not-quite-stars called brown dwarfs (or is it dwarves?). Others think that dark matter is composed of exotic matter that only marginally interacts with regular baryonic matter (i.e. pretty much everything we can see or touch; composed of atoms), sort of like congressmen or supermodels.

The only way you’ll be able to get it at this point in time is through the black market or if you know a K street lobbyist.

Q. If we can’t interact with it, how could they find the dark matter? Or that luggage you mentioned earlier?

A. Like congressmen, you may not be able to observe or interact with individual pieces of dark matter directly, but you can see the effects of a lot grouped together. Einstein predicted that an objects’ gravity could bend light, and experiments have borne that out. The more massive an object, the more light bends around it. This week’s discovery is based on a gravitiational bending of light called “gravitational lensing”; astronomers looked at a region of space suspected to have dark matter and noted that the light from faraway obects passing through the region bent far more than could be accounted for by the mass of visible matter in the area. Dark matter is the only explanation offered at this time. Feel free to offer your own, though any verbiage containing “his noodly appendage” will be discounted.

In case you were wondering, congressmen are so massive that they actually cause money to change direction; the larger the group, the more money gets tossed around.

As far as the luggage goes, our advice is to buy insurance next time.

Q. Why is this a big deal?

A. Of the various mathematical models of the Universe, the ones that come closest to describing wht we actually observe includes a large amount of dark matter to provide sufficient mass for holding galaxies together. If what we saw was all there was, the Milky Way and all the galaxies in the Observable Universe would fly apart like 4th of July pinwheels. While there had been mathematical and antecdotal evidence for dark matter (I mean, we’re here, aren’t we?), there is now some solid observational evidence. No word from astronomers as to whether they’ve spotted the lost luggage and socks out there, though.  

Cosmologists are breathing a little easier now, since they can now account for a large chunk of the Cosmic Budget.

On that note, let’s review the high-level numbers for a moment:

Observable Universe/Everything we can see - stars, planets, baryonic matter, neutrinos, etc. = 5% of Everything

Dark Matter (likely observed as of 8/21/06, not explained) = 25% of Everything

Dark Energy (hypothetical, unObserved, unexplained) = 70% of Everything

Your Place in the Universe = You Don’t Want to Know

Cosmologists, physicists, and astronomers my be sleeping better now, but I’m still staring at the ceiling at night, wondering What in the World is Going on Out There. I feel like I’m still in the dark on damn near Everything, including what the hell is going on on “Lost”.

And if anyone is ever going to find that Samsonite of mine that United lost at Miami International Airport.

I hope it is in deep intergalactic space now, because if anyone ever finds it and opens it, I’m going to have some real explaining to do.

bc

© Copyright by the author 2006, all rights reserved.

I hesitate to call to your attention to Cute Overload®. I hesitate not because the disturbing nature of the images at this site, but because some of you may like them, and that can not be tolerated. They say a picture is worth thousand words, but not these pictures. The only words that describe these pictures are: diabetic coma.
Well, Make Me Puke. I can not look at this without Dramamine. If you like these items; I pity you. If you create these; I loathe you. Their assault on my retinal system are overwhelming. Too much, I say. You people must DIE.

There is a saying “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” I hate both in this case. The game of creating “too cute” images is fiendish, at best. Pictures of kids in flower pots, puppies sleeping with rabbits, or kittens humping dogs are a hellish assault on our soul, an infernal infection of our psyche and a malignant barbarously cruel attempt to make us care. /spit

This is the most diabolical assault on our civilization ever. Not black plague or MTV can compete. No, I say, nothing is so heinous and attempt to destroy the moral fabric of cynicism in our lives as these images.

Cute Overload states

At Cute Overload®, we scour the Web for only the finest in Cute Imagery™. Imagery that is Worth Your Internet Browsing Time. We offer an overwhelming amount of cuteness to fill your daily visual allowance. Drink it in!

Poppycock I say. Bunnies in cups, must die. The Cynicism of our Nation is at stake. You must boycott these images, thoughts and feelings at once. It’s not just your duty as an American, but as a human being.

Do something Cynical T O D A Y.

UPDATE August 24 - We have to declare ”mea culpa” in believing what we were hearing around the near-empty city of Washington DC this week, which was that the Administration had successfully handled the Plutonian Crisis.

Obviously, we were wrong, and the IAU’s “fully operational battle station” opened fire on Pluto, reducing it to a cloud of footnotes. August 24th will remain a day of infamy, indeed.

As we carry on in the Battle for Equality in the Solar System, let us cry “Remember Planet Pluto!”

The fatal French SBD salvo can be seen here.

UPDATE: August 16 - CRISIS AVERTED! 

In a stunning success for American International diplomacy, the 10thcircle proposal  was adopted by the IAU for general vote, and reducing the threat of French SBDs on Pluto to near zero, providing the proposed resolution passes the IAU’s general vote.

See this link for more detail on a technical assessment of the SBD. Yes, we’re amused by the headline, too.

It remains to be seen if “pluton” will become a well-known derogatory term until George Allen uses it in a press conference.

bc

August 15, 2006 - The Paris-based organization UNION ASTRONOMIQUE INTERNATIONALE, or IAU, as it’s known here in the USA, is threatening to wipe out the planet Pluto in its entirety.

When I commented earlier this year on a proposal to change Pluto’s status,  I had no idea that the IAU’s alternative to a revised nomenclature would be to wipe the planet Pluto completely out of existence with the terrible, awesome power of a Science Based Document (SBD) issued in French (we’ll provide a link here, in the event that the French SBD is actually used against Pluto.). An IAU SBD is usually preceded by a Press Release, so we’ll be watching for one to be issued at the IAU’s 2006 General Assembly in Prague  this week.

While we’re sure that this has everything nothing to do with the fact that Pluto was discovered by American Clyde Tombaugh, who was doing actual Astronomy through a telescope in the early 20th century instead of pondering his existence and staring at the sediment at the bottom of a wine glass while sitting at a sidewalk cafe somewhere.

Though the IAU is an extra-national group and not a nation-state, it is expected that the Bush Administration will push for a UN Resolution to ban the IAU from further use of their SBD planet-killer weapons.

“We’ve had success negotiating cease-fires with extra-national groups through the UN recently,” one Administration staffer commented on condition of anonymity. “We feel that Pluto is being singled out by the IAU for elimination because it is the only planet to be discovered by an American, though we’re equally committed to our stated policy of non-proliferation of SBDs and other destructive weapons,” alluding to the rumors that terrorist groups and countries like Iran and North Korea are pursuing SBD planet-busters and related Press Release-based weapon technology programs.

I trapped a Hill staffer in an elevator and asked him about the SBD situation. He also asked to remain anonymous and added, “If the IAU thinks that we’re going to stand by and wave our hands while they blow the American [his emphasis - bc] planet Pluto away with an SBD of French or other origin, they’re going to have to deal with more than a miasmic cloud in the aftermath. When Americans catch wind of this, they’re going to get angry.”

Also, rumors at the IAU’s meeting in Prague continue to swirl around the use of the SBD as well as a possible methane-combustion “disruptor” device to be tested on the Saturnian moon, Titan. Some speculate that the IAU intends to to use Titan’s methane lakes and atmosphere to turn the planet-sized body into a gigantic concussive weapon, grimly referred to as “le Péter de Mort”.

We think this whole sad solar saga stinks.

bc

© Copyright by the author 2006, all rights reserved.

Today I finished my screenplay. My first screenplay. I see this as an homage to the grandeurs and beauty of the west, where I spent my early adult years, climbing and claiming peaks and majestic towers. These formative years scaling the local versions of the Scarlett Towers left me with a love and admiration of the form and features of that part of the world.

Ladies and gentleman I give you my proposed movie based on a 10th Circle screenplay.

I suppose when you said No, he came over from Brighton all the same?

At the expression on Smithers face he added:I dont anticipate it, but one never knows.

Long, long might that conjunction be deferred! But what with the portrait and my Rest-House, Imvery tied, just now. The look on Hollys face, the reflective shadow between her eyes,were not lost on him. Motioning to Michael to stay behind, Fleur rose to see Sir Timothy out. In many small and silent ways she had shown that she was afraid of Fleur.

You seem very cocksure, he said; my nephew has by no means madeup his mind.
But if its the best POLICY, there never was any particular virtuein it, was there?
Your mother would always feel she was de trop before she was. Yes; but so far as I can make out, its getting younger everyyear. Is that the church where you were baptized?…………

The above excerpt was sent to me from someone. And I was intrigued and read most of the 4 page email till I came to the point of the email where there was an embedded image that gave me stock tips. Being the suspicious boy that I am, I opened the file in an ASCII editor and saw that the creator of “hte imag3″ had tried to embed a URL into the image. I’m no hacker but when I see inside of that image file a {function dc... Then a url that has allhardporn.ru and a .exe embedded in the file I can only say…

Nice Try. Next time make it worth my time to read though. I really felt cheated.

I need to get something off my chest. I hate to lump people together, but lately I have noticed a trend. Let me explain. I spent a few “record hot” days at a local swimming pool and it was an eye-opening event. I don’t go to the pool too much. I’m old, not in good shape and in general not interested in the water as much as people watching. Nevertheless, the pool that I have been frequenting has an influx of Europeans this summer and there are uncomfortable trends I have noticed.

Euros wear un-American bathing suits. The men wear white Speedos that leave nothing to the imagination, and frankly, that is not a good thing. Cold water and white Speedo’s, don’t they watch Seinfeld on The Continent? Now that I said “Guys in white Speedos” I’m singing “Knights in White Satin” with mangled words. Guys in white Speedos, never hiding their junk. I could go on but I’m no Justin Hayward and I am disturbing myself.

The woman are just as frightening. They wear swimsuits/fashion statements from 1974, and universally the fabric is so thin that surface tension holding the suit in place is a force of nature untapped by modern engineering. If JPL could harness whatever is keeping the suits on the women the shuttle tiles would never come off.

Number two on my list of trends; Euros sit uncomfortably close to each other. I have seen, many times, where three or four couples will walk in together and the women peel off from the guys and go sit in the kiddie pool while the guy will congregate right next to each other pulling lounge chairs so close as to make the whole group appear as one. I have even seen guys drape their legs over each other. This is an affront to the American values of truth, justice and the 3 food gap. You know that unwritten rule where guys always leave one seat between them when they go to a movie without women or leave every other stall empty. Yea, that rule.

The third un-American trend I noticed is grooming realted. Men groom more fastidiously than women. When I first saw the previously mentioned group of women stand up from their Kiddie pool interpertaion of “The View” I thought that their bathing suits bottoms had funny/fuzzy wings. Maybe it was a modesty shield. But No. That was not the case. I felt like Kurtz at the end of my journey, —“The horror! The horror!”— except I did not die. I was just left with a pit in my stomach, a pain in my eyes and pride that the bikini wax was an American invention. All I can say is God Bless America.

These folks and their tendencies in pool behavior and attire need some good old American conformity. I am thinking of holding classes, maybe non credit 100 level course, at the local university in order to provide an education and civic service but to also cement the precepts of democracy and conformity for all times it these newest emigrates and visitors.

I had a dream last week inspired by a confluence of Codeine, Southern Writers and a Slava Tsukerman film.

In dream there was a prison yard somewhere in south Louisiana, a Cotton Mouth slowly swimming by. The dream-camera pan starts to zoom out on a cluster of buildings. We see a large slab of red mud ringed by razor wire. I did not know if this was some Angola want-a-be until the camera comes to rest on peeling whitewashed sign. Across it in a simple stencil are the words “Toy Prison.”

The rest of the dream was sketchy, a few creatures milling about. There was that dream knowledge that my dream prison divides along racial lines. Lounging on the blacktop that serves as the weightlifting pit are the PBS Characters that have hit hard times. There is Elmo, arrested on suspicion of third degree sexual assault. Sitting on the bench press station flexing was Barney with his prison bitch BJ. I guess that’s how they roll on Sesame Street.

Various members of the Disney Crew populate the Basketball court. Goofy, who has lost his boyish good looks to the pinch while Mickey has so many tat’s that he is unrecognizable. I had an impression that Balou shanked Bugs Bunny in the liver with a filed down Barbie Doll, but that may have been the ruminants of Cletus Purcell in my brain. (or the Codeine.) Which brought me to the third group of racial recidivist were in bleachers and the playing catch on a make-shift football field. They look to be the most dangerous of the bunch. Yosemite Sam the hard-core raciest form Texas with a confederate flag tattooed across his heart; Marvin the Martian with his newly shaved head and the single star tattoo.

I really need to lay off the painkillers and James Lee Burke at the same time. It’s not good for my sleeping pattern.

Some of you remember the email I received last week, which was essentially a mass email from the Future (please don’t call it FutureSpam. Or SuperSpam.).

Well, I responded to the sender, and I’m happy to report that even though we are not going to shut down the Internet in its entirety, we’ve established a Trans-temporal Reality Asynchronous Protocol connection between our mail server through time, space, and some pretty tricky mail routing directly to Dr. Omegaman537121664’s ‘Log portal.

What does this mean for you, dear reader? It means that you can send email in to Dr. Omegaman537121664 through our server, and we’ll post your questions and Dr. O’s replies right here on the 10thcircle.com, as time and space permit. 

You can send your questions to Dr. O at this email address: omegaman537121664@10thcircle.com

Want to know how the 2008 U.S. Presidential elections turn out? Who wins the 2154 World Series (assuming there is one, I didn’t check with Dr. O in advance of writing this)? The 2017 Pulitzer Prizes? American Idol? How does Kornheiser do on Monday Night Football? Gloabal Warming? America’s Next Top Model? The War on Terror?

Ask Dr. O.

It’s better than a Magic 8 Ball, we promise. Well, it’s cheaper, anyway.

bc

© Copyright by the author 2006, all rights reserved.