As anyone and Joel Achenbach knows, good prep for TV spectacle watching is essential. Before I transcribe my notes from President Bush’s speech (verbatim, natch), I thought I’d share my Quick BushWatching Speechery warmup exercises and prep checklist.
Warmup:
Leave 1968 Zenith TV on for at least one hour to bring all the tubes to optimum temp. Put 1″ square of clear Scotch tape on right index finger. Turn all lights in room off, then turn TV off. Put square of Scotch tape over the little white ghost dot in the center of the screen quickly before it fades. Turn TV and room lights back on.
Checklist:
- 1 Box Hostess HoHo’s, refrigerated for 8 hours minimum
- Boxing Gloves
- 2 boxes tissues, one with aloe, one plain
- Mouth Guard in
- 1 box Cheesy Poofs (it should be a short speech)
- 1 Playmate cooler containing 8 lb. ice, and six bottles Yuengling beer, iced down for at least 4 hours
- 4 sticks ammonium carbonate smelling salts
- 1 tank Oxygen w/Mask, regulator valve open
- 1 tank Nitrous Oxide w/Mask, regulator valve open
- Open-face helmet on, chinstrap buckled
- Tray table up, seatback in upright and locked position, seatbelts adjusted, smoking light illuminated
- Place pillow between knees
Speech is scheduled to start at 9:00 PM EST.
bc’s notes as follows:
8:59 PM: Place nose on 1″ Scotch tape, allowing a minute for eyes to focus.
9:01: Somber GW Bush begins speech. Brow furrows appear to have reached new depths. Odd tie choice, light blue with white and dark blue dots. Poorly executed loose double windsor knot, a bad sign. Open first Yuengling.
9:02: Went from “stunning achievement” of ‘05 Iraqi elections, to “We thought that these elections would bring the Iraqis together” to “But in 2006, the opposite happened”. I think the problem was there before the elections, Mr. President, sir.
9:02:30: Eat my first HoHo, take one hit of the Oxygen, one hit of the Nitrous and one hit (a left uppercut to the jaw) of the boxing glove, just to get my attention.
9:03: “Where mistakes have been made, the responsibility rests with me.” Reach for Oxygen, then Nitrous, then change mind and listen while draining first Yuengling.
9:04: “It is clear that we need to change our strategy in Iraq.” It is difficult to applaud while wearing boxing gloves, but I manage.
9:04:30: Re. consulting the ISG, “we all agreed that there is no magic formula for success in Iraq.” Crap, just when I had those magic beans sold to Robert Gates, too.
9:05: Rehashing “consequences of failure”. Yawn, dig into Cheesy Poofs, crack & snort 1 stick smelling salts. Open second Yuengling.
9:05:30: “violence is splitting Baghdad into sectarian enclaves and shaking the confidence of all Iraqis” Doesn’t the White House get a newspaper or CNN (you can’t watch Fox news all the time, can you?)? This was news in 2005. Hello, it’s 2007.
9:06: “Our past efforts to secure Baghdad failed for two principal reasons: There were not enough Iraqi and American troops to secure neighborhoods that had been cleared of terrorists and insurgents, and there were too many restrictions on the troops we did have.” So, the planning sucked, and the troops were hamstrung by policy. Glad to know you’re responsible for it, sir. Drain second Yuengling, one hit Nitrous Oxide, one hit to the side of the TV.
9:06:30: “They also report that this plan can work.” Can’t help but think about Ralph Kramden’s many sure-fire-get-rich-quick schemes after hearing that line. Eat one HoHo, wrapper and all, in a fit of anger.
9:07: “I have committed more than 20,000 additional American troops to Iraq” I drop the gloves and charge the TV, wrapping it up in a headlock, and a hockey game breaks out in my living room. In a minute, it’s over. The only casualties are the Cheesy Poofs and what was left of the second bottle of Yuengling which was broken over my head. Good thing I was wearing a helmet, eh? Stuffing tissues up my nose to stanch the bleeding.
9:08: OK, I get it, this time we Clear, Secure, and Hold. What a great plan and policy change. Plus, it’s catchy like “Shock and Awe.” Oxygen, HoHo, crack third Yuengling, manuvering it to my mouth between the protruding tissues. Realize I lost my mouth guard in the scuffle.
9:08:30: “If the Iraqi government does not follow through on its promises, it will lose the support of the American people.” Surely the Iraqi government is familiar with the 2006 US General elections - aren’t they?
9:09: ”America will hold the Iraqi government to the benchmarks it has announced.” Um. Who’s holding the Bush Administration to theirs? Oh, wait, you have to actually have more than a to-do list, don’t you (i.e. hold Iraqi elections in 2005: check)?
9:10: “To give every Iraqi citizen a stake in the country’s economy, Iraq will pass legislation to share oil revenues among all Iraqis.” Did I ever mention that I was part Iraqi? How much do I get?
9:11: “de-Baathification” sounds like dirty work. Drain third Yuengling right on time, as we’re halfway home.
9:12: “Secretary Rice will soon appoint a reconstruction coordinator in Baghdad” - Now accepting applications! Ah, where’s Abe Lincoln when you need him? Open fourth Y, crack second stick of smelling salts, realize I can’t use it with the tissues jammed in there, breathe in Oxygen thru mouth, pound fourth HoHo.
9:14: Uh oh, had to take 12 quick drinks because ”Al Quaida”, “Syria” and “Iran” are words in the drinking game. Fourth Y is gone, about halfway through fifth.
9:15: Not feelin’ so good. “The challenge playing out across the broader Middle East is more than a military conflict. It is the decisive ideological struggle of our time.” Definitely not feeling so good. More oxygen.
9:16: “From Afghanistan to Lebanon to the Palestinian Territories, millions of ordinary people are sick of the violence and want a future of peace and opportunity for their children. And they are looking at Iraq.” Americans are, too, Mr. President, sir. And what are they seeing - 20,000 more troops sent in? Sheesh.
9:17: “Victory will not look like the ones our fathers and grandfathers achieved. There will be no surrender ceremony on the deck of a battleship.” This isn’t your Father’s war. Love the irony. So, soldiers and sailors aren’t going to be able to run around Times Square dramatically kissing girls on VI Day? I don’t like it. Hm. After George’s father’s war, a Democrat was elected to the White House, the DNC should be happy at least. More oxygen, sullen sip of Yuengling, take a bite of a HoHo. Watch tissues dance over my upper lip while I listen.
9:18: Is it me, or does President Bush look like even he doesn’t believe this stuff?
9:19: Waitaminute - did he just say that if we pull back now, our troops would be forced to stay in Iraq even longer? Startled, beer shoots up my sinuses and blows the bloody tissue out of my right nostril. I shake my head to clear it from the stinging, replace the dislodged tissue with at fresh one, dab at my eyes, and have another pull of the Nitrous Oxide.
9:19:30: Joe Lieberman’s people must be cringing at being mentioned in this. I drain Yuengling #5 and start #6.
9:20: “We can begin by working together to increase the size of the active Army”. Well, then. How, by how much, and exactly what do you intend to do with a larger military? Forgive me for not being confident that you’ve not done well by the brave men and women that are in the military now?
9:21:”Thank you and good night.” I finish Yuengling #6 and put my head between my knees, feeling the cool pillow on my face.
I’ll be able to clean up the mess I just made tomorrow. Will 20,000 more of our brave troops be able to help President Bush clean up his mess?
