The following is a transcript of a phone call made to the Universal Insurance Agency to report a Big Accident:
[sound of phone ringing]
Insurance Adjuster: “Hello, Universal Insurance, how can I help you?”
Reporter: “Hello, I’d like to report an accident and make a claim.”
IA: “Allright, sir – what is the nature of this accident?”
R: “Um, well, actually, the accident IS Nature. Well, it might be, anyway. I found out that my Universe has got a big dent in it, and that defect seems to have affected everything that’s happened ever since. And not in a good way, either.”
IA [sounding somewhat irritated]: “Is that right?”
R [a little embarrassed]: “Yes, I think so.”
IA: “OK, was anyone hurt in the accident?”
R: “I suppose you could say so, but I don’t think that anyone’s claiming that they were hurt specifically because of it.”
IA:
R: “OK then, no.”
IA: “Very good. Now, what happened?”
R: “Well, after Everything started with a Big Bang, it was all going along as it should; smoothly, evenhandedly, no problem. Things seemed to be settling down nicely and everything was going just fine. I look away for a second, and then - BAM! -next thing I know, there’s a dent cooling in the fender of the Cosmos. Shook the whole darn shebang, and soon there’s stuff flying everywhere, and now the whole thing’s just a big mess. Debris and crap all over the place.”
IA: “How did it happen? A deer?”
R: “Very funny.”
IA: “Sorry. Do you think there was another Universe involved in the accident, perhaps some sort of fender-bender between parallel Universes where both ended up at a temporary multi-dimensional cosmic intersection without any traffic signals?”
R: “Hm. That’s quite a Branestorm you’re having there. Have you ever thought about getting out of the insurance business and getting into theoretical physics or philosophy?”
IA: “Were there any witnesses? [snickers] Did anyone get the tag number of that other Universe? Did anyone file a police report?”
R: [ignoring the joke and playing it straight] “Well, we only noticed it recently, though it looks like it happened about 13 Billion years ago. The WMAP guys have a picture of it from not too long after it happened. Here, I’ll email it to you.”
IA: “Um, OK, you want to make a claim based on this?”
R: “Hey, all of these scientific experts are going around to the media saying that this is a significant defect, a flaw in the friggin’ Cosmos. The defect that may have set off a symmetry break in the smooth perfect Eden of cosmic soup from the Big Bang, one that favored baryonic matter over anti-matter as atoms condensed out of the mess like egg clumping out of overcooked hollandaise sauce.”
“Matter, and all of the trouble that comes with it! Space! Time! Gravity! Stars! Galaxies! Planets! Life! Knowledge! Intelligence! Reason! Free will! Religion! Money! Language! Government! War! Death! Taxes! Literature! Television! Pain! The GW Bush Administration! The Internet! Global Warming! Hatred! Blogging! American Idol! Bah! Who needs it?”
IA: “Sir…”
R: “This flaw in the Cosmos is the seed of Everything, a little dent that became rusty and spread a little here and a little there, and next thing you know we’re riding around in this nasty old junkpile wondering, ‘How the hell did *this* happen?’ Entropy unleashed! Utter chaos!”
IA: [sounding worried] “Sir… what about… love?”
R: “Who’s writing your lines, Khalil Gibran? Love? Love is great, but it doesn’t repair or compensate for damages. Someone should pay for this mess if they can’t fix it, don’t you think?”
IA: “So, sir, you’re suggesting that the entire visible universe - everything - is a result of a cosmic hit-and-run accident that no one actually saw? And that there’s supposed to be some sort of compensation for all Creation?”
R: “That’s the idea. The damage from the accident is incalculable and irreparable, but there ought to be some sort of compensatory action or something. Besides, even though we didn’t see it, we have evidence - heck, I guess we *are* evidence - of the accident and we have to live with it forever.”
IA: “Sir, do you know offhand what your deductible is?”
R: [embarrassed again] “Er, sorry, not offhand.”
IA: “OK, let me look a few things up here. Please hold.”
R: “OK.”
[Sound of hold music, Rupert Holmes’ “Escape (The Pina Colada Song)”]
R: [Half-singing along with hold music] “‘…you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain. If you’re not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain. If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape. You’re the love that I’ve looked for, come with me, and…‘”
IA: “Hello? Are you still there?”
R: [Startled out of a lurid reverie.] “Wha-? Um, yes.”
IA: “Well, I have an answer for you.”
R: [Composing himself] “OK, what do the Universal Adjusters have to say about this accident and how Creation is going to be compensated for all of the pain and suffering we’ve endured because of it? And how things are going to be made right once and for all?”
IA: “I’m sorry, but this ’accident’ you’re reporting is considered an act of God, and not covered under your policy.”
R: “Oh, I should have guessed. You’re an Insurance Adjuster, but you have a degree in theology, don’t you?”
IA: “Yes, sir. Have a good life. Goodbye.”
R: [Muttering into a dead phone line] “Dang it all. I should have called a lawyer first.”
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