Pleased to meet you …

Continuing a series of surprise weekend moves, US Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulsen Jr. today announced a semi-leveraged takeover of the entire United States Government by the Treasury Department and the Federal Reserve.

According to Paulsen, the US Treasury, Federal Reserve, OMB, and GAO performed an analysis of the Federal Deficit and the Government’s financial soundness and ability to raise capital to meet its debts and obligations, and found it to be in default of United States Code Title 31, Subtitle III, Chapter 31, Subchapter 1, Section 3101 - Public Debt Limit. To put it simply, the analysts declared the US Government irrecoverably bankrupt. They pointed to the additional financial risks the Government has assumed to salvage the US Economy by bailing out the financial sector as a deciding factor. As Paulsen and Fed Chief Ben Bernanke accepted the findings, they decided it was time to take action.

Paulsen further announced that he would be taking on an additional role as Secretary and Chief Operating Officer of the US Government, and that the Chief Justice, Speakers of the House and Senate, and the President would be reporting to he and new Vice Chairman of the US Government, Ben Bernanke. Paulsen and Bernanke’s nascent positions would comprise a new executive Office of Monetary and Financial Governance (OMFG) that will manage the overall US Government going forward.

“But only on a temporary basis,” he said. “We want to take our time and decide what the right things to do with the heads of the existing Branches are, and to execute them in a deliberate, controlled manner.”

He further stated that until the decisions on the future of the Legislative, Judicial and Executive Branches were made and plans put in place, General Elections would be suspended indefinitely.

“I don’t like the Electoral College process for determining the election of the President. I find it very overly complex and confusing, and don’t really understand it,” he stated. “It’s way more confusing than derivative debt issuances, for example.”

While details are still unavailable, it is believed that the US Government would be funded through a bold and radical scheme by which taxpayer money would be used to pay for Government operations.

Additionally, it is expected that OMFG would assign the US Government an 80% stake in itself by taking that percentage of all outstanding Government Bonds and Treasury securities (e.g. T-Bills), and calling them in for cash. Experts hint that the percentage might be higher, essentially wiping out holders of these instruments.

Sources say that whatever extra funds would be required to pay for the Government and its operations would come from financial instruments secured by repackaging Government assets and debts for sale to overseas investors in Europe and the Far East, as well as by spinning off and selling the Government-owned corporation US Postal Service and independent Agencies with market value, such as the CIA and NASA. No word yet on the FDIC, though many suspect that it will be retained due to its potential as a profitable business after it has been reorganized and given a new charter.

When it was pointed out during the press conference that Paulsen and Bernanke had actually engineered the deals that drastically exacerbated the Government’s financial exposure and triggered the Treasury and Fed’s decision to put OMFG in charge, Paulsen angrily refuted the statement, “That’s a conspiracy theory that I’m not going to dignify with an answer.”

Secretary and COO Paulsen concluded by announcing that OMFG, the Treasury Department and Federal Reserve had concerns about the Large Hadron Collider at the CERN facility near Geneva, Switzerland and the Global Economy, leading speculators to consider the idea that they were planning another takeover in order to convert the LHC to a time machine and send the entire Global Economy back to 1998 and forward to 2028 as well. And if the entire Global Economy can’t be sent back or forward in time, they would just send the US Economy through and develop loan packages for securitization and sale with guaranteed returns.

“Some are suggesting we’re going to mortgage our past *and* future,” Paulsen said. “We’re simply going to manage market conditions as means of speeding up paying ourselves back over time. The fact that we’re considering a 30-year fixed-rate loan is purely a coincidence based on conventional instruments.”

“But you know, that’s for another weekend,” he said. “Now that things are where they need to be, I think I’m giving myself, the Treasury and the Fed next weekend off.”

We can only hope. But don’t bet the house on it.

© Copyright by the author 2008, all rights reserved.

One year ago, our friend Bob Lewis passed away after a long battle with cancer, taking his famous and fearless alter ego, Error Flynn, with him.

Or so I thought.

I’m reminded of both Bob and Error every day, from Bob’s framed 1933 Monaco Grand Prix poster that used to hang in his kitchen and now hangs just outside of mine, to Error’s influence on the tone and nature of the Boodle.

References to things Error Flynn boodled about, such as Groundhog wars, Formula One auto racing and kitschy old TV shows and movies are obvious, as are calls for “Error in’ 08.” But it goes further than that.

Error Flynn was smart and funny — at times deftly brutal, at others, brutally honest. He never hesitated to challenge ideas or opinions when he thought it necessary, and he relished a lively debate. When Error’s sense of ethics dictated it, he would swing into action, passionately defending or skewering as necessary. Typically on the side of the little guy, he confronted what he considered inflexible or dogmatic thinking with his considerable intellect and humor.

One of the things that endeared Error to so many Boodlers was the fact that he wore his emotions on his virtual sleeve. Whether he was feeling silly or thoughtful, proud or angry, it came through in his posts. Sometimes I could see his emotions change from upset and furious to ironic and reflective in a single post, leaving me with the image of him hunched over a scorched keyboard with steam pouring out of his ears, then, his catharsis almost complete, chuckling wryly to himself. I suggested to Bob that Error was a virtual Incredible Hulk, mild-mannered much of the time, but able to summon awesome powers when provoked, becoming the Incredible Error and dispensing justice as he saw it, then changing back into his normal moderate self as his anger subsided. Bob laughed at the idea, but I could tell that it bothered him. As much as Error espoused the need for rational change and fought for what he thought was right, Bob was a very sympathetic and empathetic man who knew that sometimes the Hulk inadvertently hurt people.

Error Flynn raised the level of intensity and passion in the Boodle, and helped make it possible for people of differing backgrounds to consider it a level playing field for all. When I see Boodlers engaged in vigorous, honest, thoughtful debates, when I see their words challenging the status quo, when I see people courageously voice unpopular opinions and their rationale for holding them, I see Error.

The last year of Bob’s life, there was a thread about Error Flynn mounting a campaign for President in the 2008 elections. There was wide enthusiasm for his powers and gifts to facilitate change for the better.

Error would have relished the current Presidential campaigns, as the candidates travel about the country touting change. He would have railed against hypocrisies and inconsistencies, any bending of the truth or naked pandering, manipulation of facts, empty promises, or candidates announcing changes in thought or position for the sake of change.

When I see Boodlers do these same things, I see Error.

There have been uncountable changes in this country and the world over the past year: some good, some bad, and time will tell for the rest of them. One thing that hasn’t changed: for me, it is still Error in ‘08. His active participation may be gone, but his influence is still felt in the Boodle. I suspect that at some point we’ll start talking about “Error in ‘12,”possibly as early as 11PM EST on November 4th. When we meet in Washington a month before, you’ll see more evidence that Error is not really gone.

Error has become ethereal.

I think Bob would be very satisfied with that.

There have been a lot of questions about this week’s startup of the Large Hadron Collider (the “LHC”) particle accelerator at the European Organization for Nuclear Research’s [the Organisation Européenne pour la Recherche Nucléaire (renamed from Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire, but the acronym was kept in the way that the more things change, the more they stay the same) hereinafter referred to with a sigh as “CERN”] laboratory on the French/Swiss border near Geneva.

In particular, there have been concerns that as the LHC’s scientists smash beams of particles together at fantastic energy levels (like, 7 Trillion electron volts, which is comparable to the electricty created by an unimaginable number of people stroking an equal number of cats), those collisions may inadvertently create subatomic mini-black holes that could swallow the Earth, or unleash some other large-scale disaster which could be blamed on France, like mayonnaise on French Fries, or the continued popularity of Jerry Lewis movies.

The LHC was built in order to create exotic short-lived yet massive subatomic particles that may have existed at the time of the Big Bang [The participants (which may or may not include some character called “Higgs”) wisely decided against making any video recordings of the timeless encounter (unlike Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee), though the shockwaves from it are still resonating through all Creation in the Universe’s background radiation. Astronomers are still trying to transcribe the dialog, though they believe that they’ve that the words “Oh, God,” and “Now!” were used. And something about a towel.]. Measuring the characteristics of these particles’ creation and decay should prove or disprove theories about the nature of mass and matter, and subsequently theories of the natures of space and time as they pertain to the universe we experience. You know, Everything.

CERN is scheduled to start up and run the LHC through operational tests for the first time on Wednesday, September 10, 2008, with the first particle beam collisions to take place in late October (around the time the Oakland Raiders will be mathematically eliminated from the NFL playoffs).

Getting to the bottom of the the Big Bang is going to take a while; a timeless moment deserves all the attention we can give it and is best left to proceed at it’s own pace.

I’ll attempt to address some questions I received on this topic:

bc, is there any truth to the rumor that the LHC project fell behind schedule and that Darth Vader flew in and oversaw final construction of this fully operational battle station? And can they build another here in the USA? - Richard, Location not disclosed

We have not been able to get in touch with Grand Moff Tarkin to confirm or deny the motivation level of the team that completed the LHC. But we note that the circular tunnel for the particle acceleration is 17 miles around, so you’d need a lot of room in a remote area that no one really cares about, like Texas or Alaska. Thanks for the reminder to get in touch with my Realtor to put my beach house on Alderaan on the market, or at least up my homeowner’s insurance. And thanks for the question.

What preparations are the CERN scientists and LHC operational teams making in case there are problems when they try to start the LHC? - Ralph N. Washington, DC

Well, there are those uncomfirmed reports that there was a mad scramble the other day at CERN to locate the spare starter crank handle in case the Primary LHC pull cord rope breaks. Also, we’re told that they have ether on hand to spray down into the carburetor in case it does not fire up immediately, and if it does not operate properly once started, a scientist has been elected to go in and jiggle the handle. All staff have been instructed on the location of the CERN kitchen fire extinguisher and have been issued Rosaries and head-sized brown paper bags in case of serious problems.  

Are you afraid of the operations of the LHC, and the possible End of the World through a cataclysmic mistake? And do you expect it to happen before a certain new movie, “Angels & Demons” opens on May 19, 2009? I sure hope not. - D. Brown, Somewhere in New England

If the world were to end suddenly, I’d expect it to be due to a mistake, oversight, or some other ”oops” moment - a human Error - rather than petty malice or soulless machines rising up and taking over the world.

The End, not with a bang or a whimper, but with slapping ourselves on the forehead.  

That suits us, I think.

Also lets us file a nice accident claim on the insurance policy - er, we did pay the premium for the LHC’s road insurance, didn’t we?

bc

© Copyright by the author 2008, all rights reserved.

PS Thank you, thank you, thank you.

For more information on the LHC, see Joel Achenbach’s article from the March 2008 National Geographic (it has great illustrations and photography, too).

Let me make this clear from the outset - I’m writing this in my boxers.

In the interest of brevity, I’ll break things down by the NFL Divisions, just because I’m following John McCain’s “divide and canker” strategy.

NFC East-

The New York football Giants may have won the NFL Championsip last year, but losing Mike Strahan, Osi Umenyioria and Jeremy Shockey to retirement, injury, and money, respectively, is probably more than noted HotHead Coach Tom Coughlin can manage to repeat, though they will likely take the NFC East. Look for Eli Manning to make some inroads on brother Peyton’s commerical income (until he reverts to his pre-2007 form), though old-new Jets QB Brett Farve will take some of the local endorsement $$ away. Also look for a 9-7 season, and them scraping into the playoffs as a wild-card.

Dallas is now and will be a soap opera for some time to come. Throw noted actors Jerry Jones, Terrell Owens, Tony Romo, Jessica Simpson, and off-season free agent acquisition Zach Thomas on stage for a season, and look for things to go off-script quickly as the individuals begin to improv to the gallery in the search for limelight. They have the talent to win, but can they do Shakespeare rather than a three-ring circus? Unfortunately, a circus can win the NFC East at 10-6

The Philly Eagles offensive stars are injured so frequently that head coach Andy Reid reportedly had a full exorcism performed in the locker room after the final preseason game. Interestingly, other teams in the NFC East are considering similar actions in an attempt to keep Iggles fans from entering their stadiums and becoming drunk, disorderly, and vomitous. If Eagles MVP Brian Westbrook and QB Donovan McNabb stay healthy, these guys can win the NFC East - if not, make room next to Washington in the East basement. 8-8.

The Washington NFL Franchise made the playoffs last season, and that will likely be their highlight for the year of 2008. First-time Head Coach Jim Zorn will bravely take the helm of the Burgundy and Gold ship towards the West Coast, but his inexperience at the conn will probably have players hopping into their Escalade Launch and heading for Pitcarin island by mid-season. 6-10 with some luck, 4-12 without. Also, watch for owner Dan Snyder and might-as-well-be-a-GM Vinnie Cerrato to be overt about approaching Bill Cowher and Mike Holmgren about replacing Zorn for 2009.

NFC West

Can the Cardinals finally pull everything together and win with QB Kurt Warner? Can one-time QB-of-the-future Matt Lienert be happy on the sidelines with his #1 draft pick money and his mind wandering towards girls rather than focusing on the playcalling? We think the answers to both questions is yes. The Cards have great offensive weapons, an experienced QB to lead them, an underrated defense, and, hell, they’re in Phoenix (or is that Phoenix, Hell?). If Warner and the offense can stay healthy, look for them to go 9-7 and get into the playoffs.

Is this the year that the wheels come off of the Seattle Seahawks? I consulted my Magic 8 Ball, and it says “All Signs Point to Yes.” Head Coach Mike Holmgren announced that this would be his last season with the ‘hawks, and this could be more of a distraction than a motivation, more of a Celebrity Roast and wake than a tribute. Dispatched RB Sean Alexander was supposed to plan the Holmgren tribute, and new RB Julius Jones knows nothing about it. Matt Hasselbeck will do well to keep his head down and eyes straight ahead, and wait for emmisaries from Washington to inquire about his services for 2009. 7-9, but Holmgren might surprise me yet.

The San Francisco 49ers: If Mike Martz and JT O’Sullivan are the answer, I don’t want to know the question. It didn’t work in Detroit — what makes anyone think it’s going to work here? I feel for Alex Smith, Mike Nolan, Shaun Hill and especially Frank Gore, all of whom deserve better. 7-9, purely on player talent.

Ah, the St. Louis Rams, a Jekyll-and-Hyde team if there ever was one. A potent, talented team with a revamped but young offensive line and new O Coordinator Al Saunders, these guys have potential. But they probably won’t show it until next season. If things come right and they stay healthy, they could be 8-8. If not, look for them to return to the scene of last season’s criminal 3-13.

NFC North

Brett who?  The Packers probably aren’t a great team with QB Aaron Rodgers, but in the NFC North, they don’t have to be. They have the distractions of the Big Breakup with Farve and RB Ryan Grant’s contract holdout behind them, and now it’s Full Cheese Ahead. 9-7.

The Vikings have the cornerstones of an excellent season - great lines on both offense and defense. They have an excellent RB tandem in Adrain Peterson and Chester Taylor. Head Coach Brad Childress has a steady hand on the sideline. What’s the issue then? Third-year QB Tarvaris “It Only Takes a Minute” Jackson, that’s what. When he’s good, he’s very good, when he’s not, it’ll only take that minute for a turnover. 10-6 if he’s good, 8-8 if he’s not.

Expect this to be Lovie Smith’s last year as Chicago Bears Head Coach, though it’s not entirely his fault. The fact that the team didn’t acquire a top-notch QB to supplant No-No Quarterbacks Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman (called No-No QBs because of Bears fans propensity to yell “No-no-NO-NOOOOOOO!” after each Bears snap when these QBs drop back to launch yet another errant pass into the windy skies over Soldier Field) sent the Bears offense into an off-season Exodus unlike any since Moses led the Israelites across the Red Sea. 5-11, because they’re playing the Lions twice, and da Bearz defense is decent, if a little long in the tooth.

Rod Marinelli’s Detroit Lions showed signs of promise last season, but the need to develop a new offensive scheme and a defense that is essentially the same as last years 32nd ranked unit spells 4-11 to me. Luckly for them, they play their doppelganger (or mirror image, if you prefer) - the Bears - twice.

NFC South

America’s Other Team, the New Orleans Saints, look to have a good season with the dynamic RB tandem of Deuce McAllister and Reggie Bush behind QB Drew Brees. The addition of Attitude-and-Hair-Product All-Star TE Jeremy Shockey should make this offense as tough to stop as Warren Sapp headed for a buffet table. The who-dat defense is adequate, and the longer the offense keeps them off the field, the better. 10-6.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Head Coach Jon Gruden’s emotive (dare we say, volcanic?) sideline personality should keep his used-car lineup of QBs in line enough to prevent them from losing too many games themselves, but does Jeff Garcia have enough left in the tank to go out and win a few? Maybe. Forunately, the Bucs’ strength is Derrick Brooks, Ronde Barber and the defense, which will keep them in a lot of games well past the offense’s ’sell-by’ date. 9-7. Again.

The Carolina Panthers are another team who will probably be looking for a new Head Coach to replace John Fox after next season. If you’re looking for a Defensive Tackle -even as good as Julius Peppers can be when he’s healthy and in shape) - to single-handedly salvage a football team, that’s a mistake. Several skill players on the offensive side of the ball may be getting their AARP cards in the mail any day now, and since they’re not allowed to use Rascals or Segways, this could be an issue. Age and treachery may still win them a few - 5-11.

This brings us to the Atlanta Falcons, a franchise that had a worse 2007 than the Bush Administration. The ownership put the Falcons up on cinder blocks at the end of last season and have pretty much replaced every moving part since then. The franchise is back on the ground now, but it’ll take awhile for new Head Coach Mike Smith and franchise QB Matt Ryan can get it running. I consider the Falcons to be an expansion franchise so I’ll give them the benefit of some expansion team-type luck. 3-13.