There have been a lot of questions about this week’s startup of the Large Hadron Collider (the “LHC”) particle accelerator at the European Organization for Nuclear Research’s [the Organisation Européenne pour la Recherche Nucléaire (renamed from Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire, but the acronym was kept in the way that the more things change, the more they stay the same) hereinafter referred to with a sigh as “CERN”] laboratory on the French/Swiss border near Geneva.

In particular, there have been concerns that as the LHC’s scientists smash beams of particles together at fantastic energy levels (like, 7 Trillion electron volts, which is comparable to the electricty created by an unimaginable number of people stroking an equal number of cats), those collisions may inadvertently create subatomic mini-black holes that could swallow the Earth, or unleash some other large-scale disaster which could be blamed on France, like mayonnaise on French Fries, or the continued popularity of Jerry Lewis movies.

The LHC was built in order to create exotic short-lived yet massive subatomic particles that may have existed at the time of the Big Bang [The participants (which may or may not include some character called “Higgs”) wisely decided against making any video recordings of the timeless encounter (unlike Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee), though the shockwaves from it are still resonating through all Creation in the Universe’s background radiation. Astronomers are still trying to transcribe the dialog, though they believe that they’ve that the words “Oh, God,” and “Now!” were used. And something about a towel.]. Measuring the characteristics of these particles’ creation and decay should prove or disprove theories about the nature of mass and matter, and subsequently theories of the natures of space and time as they pertain to the universe we experience. You know, Everything.

CERN is scheduled to start up and run the LHC through operational tests for the first time on Wednesday, September 10, 2008, with the first particle beam collisions to take place in late October (around the time the Oakland Raiders will be mathematically eliminated from the NFL playoffs).

Getting to the bottom of the the Big Bang is going to take a while; a timeless moment deserves all the attention we can give it and is best left to proceed at it’s own pace.

I’ll attempt to address some questions I received on this topic:

bc, is there any truth to the rumor that the LHC project fell behind schedule and that Darth Vader flew in and oversaw final construction of this fully operational battle station? And can they build another here in the USA? - Richard, Location not disclosed

We have not been able to get in touch with Grand Moff Tarkin to confirm or deny the motivation level of the team that completed the LHC. But we note that the circular tunnel for the particle acceleration is 17 miles around, so you’d need a lot of room in a remote area that no one really cares about, like Texas or Alaska. Thanks for the reminder to get in touch with my Realtor to put my beach house on Alderaan on the market, or at least up my homeowner’s insurance. And thanks for the question.

Pondering Construction Schedule

What preparations are the CERN scientists and LHC operational teams making in case there are problems when they try to start the LHC? - Ralph N. Washington, DC

Well, there are those uncomfirmed reports that there was a mad scramble the other day at CERN to locate the spare starter crank handle in case the Primary LHC pull cord rope breaks. Also, we’re told that they have ether on hand to spray down into the carburetor in case it does not fire up immediately, and if it does not operate properly once started, a scientist has been elected to go in and jiggle the handle. All staff have been instructed on the location of the CERN kitchen fire extinguisher and have been issued Rosaries and head-sized brown paper bags in case of serious problems.  

Are you afraid of the operations of the LHC, and the possible End of the World through a cataclysmic mistake? And do you expect it to happen before a certain new movie, “Angels & Demons” opens on May 19, 2009? I sure hope not. - D. Brown, Somewhere in New England

If the world were to end suddenly, I’d expect it to be due to a mistake, oversight, or some other ”oops” moment - a human Error - rather than petty malice or soulless machines rising up and taking over the world.

The End, not with a bang or a whimper, but with slapping ourselves on the forehead.  

That suits us, I think.

Also lets us file a nice accident claim on the insurance policy - er, we did pay the premium for the LHC’s road insurance, didn’t we?

bc

© Copyright by the author 2008, all rights reserved.

PS Thank you, thank you, thank you.

For more information on the LHC, see Joel Achenbach’s article from the March 2008 National Geographic (it has great illustrations and photography, too).