If you’ve never seen a soccer game that involves anyone older than the age of 10, you’ve come to the right place. 

As an American, you have questions about the World Cup, and we have answers. 

Our friend Joel Achenbach has some interesting commentary on this as well, but he’s pretty busy these days with his responsibilites as the Washington Post’s Most Popular Blogger.

1. What is the World Cup?

The World Cup is a soccer tournament played by adult men. Really. 

The winners get a cup that’s shaped like - wait for it – a Cup with the World in it. 

One significant difference between World Cup soccer and American soccer is that in the WC not everyone who plays on a team gets a little trophy. 

The other difference is that the World Cup tournament is played every four years (Kinda like the American public, huh?), which we think is probably enough. 

2. If it’s so great, why do they play it every four years?

Because the players need to rest up from all of those high-scoring matches. 

Ha, ha, just kidding.

Why do we have the Summer and Winter Olympics every four years? Why do we have the Presidential Elections every four years? 

Answer: because if Americans really cared about these events (enough to watch the action on TV, anyway), they would be held every year.

The Super Bowl, World Series, Daytona 500, American Idol, Survivor, and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue are annual events. 

I rest my case. 

3. OK, it’s soccer. What’s the big deal? 

Believe it or not, it’s like the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, the NFL Playoffs and the NASCAR NEXTEL Cup “Chase for the Championship” rolled into one. For every other country in the world except us, that is.

In America, it’s not a big deal, even though soccerheads have been trying to tell us otherwise for the past 30 years. This is not a sound reason for immigration reform, despite what some folks from Texas are saying.

“The Beautiful Game” takes its name from the beautifully manicured fields that soccer is played on; 90 minutes of skinny dudes in shorts running and kicking a volleyball around nice lawn, punctuated by a shot on goal every half-hour or so. If you’re a lucky American viewer, a goal may be scored while you’re awake. If you’re really lucky, a streaker will take the field and attempt to elude stadium security for a few minutes. For the rest of the world, hilarity ensues. ESPN and ABC will use this time for commercials featuring products to treat erectile dysfunction. 

True Fact: FIFA (the governing body for international soccer) claims that eleventy brazilian people will watch the World Cup streakers. 

The tournament itself features the 32 teams broken down into 8 Groups of 4 teams. Each Group (Conveniently numbered A through H; can’t these guys come up with good names like “The Big Four” or “The Group of Death”? Oh, wait…) plays a round-robin round…or is that a round of robin? Anyway, all of the teams in each Group play each other, and the two teams with the best records within a Group move on to the Round of 16, which is played in a traditional bracket-style single elimination format. (Hint for the soccer people: Make a big deal about World Cup brackets and office pools. Look at what gambling’s done for the NCAA!). This is where things get interesting; if there’s anything that makes great live TV, it’s Sudden Death.

From the 16 it’s just eliminations down to the final, which will feature Brazil beating Germany. 

Oops, I gave away the ending. 

4. I’m a little afraid to ask this, but are any Americans playing in the World Cup? 

After much diligent and intensive research I have come to the conclusion that in fact there are Americans playing in the World Cup. 

5. For the love of God, why?

Because they’re not good enough for football, basketball, or baseball. Or even hockey. 

Ha, just kidding. 

It’s because they got a free trip to Europe for the summer. Hell, I’d go if someone paid *me* to. 

6. Why should I watch the World Cup?

Now, THAT is an excellent question, if I do say so myself.

Seriously, What else are you going to watch? Summer reruns? How much “So You Think You Can Dance?” can you take? 

Personally, I love it when a goal is scored and that “Goal” guy screams,“GOOOOooooooooOOOOOOooooooOOOooooooooaaaalllllllllll! GOOooOOooOOooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOal!” I think it’s actually Howard Dean doing that, but I’m not sure. 

Many Americans who are forced to watch World Cup matches play drinking games (and if they don’t, they should). For example take a drink anytime anyone in the broadcast says “kit”, “pitch”, “tackle”, “they’ve got a tough draw”, or someone mentions the time elapsed in the game. Drink if a goal is scored or a streaker shows up, but nobody’s going to work up a decent buzz that way. 

Something interesting to note here is that while soccer matches are timed events, the time kept on the screen is actually the amount of time you’ve wasted watching it, rather than the sensible backwards American countdown to zero, marking the end of the game. 

While they do seem to last forever, soccer matches are supposed to be a timed 90 minutes. However, the time is kept on the field, and you’ll see the TV timer count up to “90:00” yet the game continues at the discretion of the referees, who end it depending on which team they’re being paid by they’ve bet on. 

7. Should I encourage my kids to watch the World Cup?

No. They might actually end up liking soccer, and then they’ll start following it, and then they’ll start believing that they’re smarter and more sophisticated than Regular American Americans, and start doing crazy crap as adults like becoming journalists or scientists, watching Formula 1 auto racing, and voting Democratic. Nip that nonsense in the bud, I say.

Ha, just kidding about the Formula 1 stuff, I don’t want those wackos mad at me. 

Besides, the World Cup has some very weird mascots in that creepy I-can’t-quite-put-my-finger-on-it-but-I-know-it-ain’t-right European style (Right Thinking Americans know what I’m talking about). One of the mascots is a lion named “Goleo VI” (I think he thinks he’s some sort of European royalty, but don’t they all think that?), and the other, by far more disturbing, is a talking ball named “Pille”. 

If balls could talk, I would NOT want to hear what they have to say. 

And I sure as hell don’t want them talking to my kids. 

Next: World Cup predictions, more on Mascots, and what to do if you’re accidentally in Germany right now. 

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