I’ve looked over the World Cup groupings as well as the individual games themselves, and I’ll try to pick the countries that will advance from each group, and point out some games to watch.

First of all, I see Togo, Trinidad and Tobago and Ivory Coast in the Cup groupings.

But where’s Vatican City? I’d love to see those uniforms, with puffy sleeves and gold trim, breeches, cleats with big silver buckles, and instead of wearing “I’m a pinerider” vests on the sidelines, they could wear those sweet feather-laden hats.

Group A: Germany, Costa Rica, Poland, and Ecuador

Germany’s offense is traditionally quite sharp in the springtime, and the’re the home team for every match they play in this World Cup.

Game to watch: Germany v. Poland. It took the Germans 9 days to march through the Poles in ‘39, but they only have 90 minutes this time.

Countries that Advance: Germany and Poland

Group B: England, Paraguay, Trinidad and Tobago, and Sweden

England’s hooligans may have lived on their reputations for the past 20 years, but they’re still a force to be reckoned with (They’re like Philly fans but with worse teeth). Oh, the soccer team’s pretty good too. Especially if they can get teams other than Paraguay to score on themselves (note: If that Paraguayan player who scored the “own goal” isn’t filing for asylum, he should be). Who to pick for the other team to advance, Sweden or Trinidad and Tobago? We’d have to say that T&T is more likely to give up own goals than Sweden, so we’ll pick them.  

Game to Watch: For stellar scoring, check out T & T vs. Sweden. These guys are so laid back, it’ll be amazing if there are any shots on goal whatsoever. This should be a hell of a post-game party. (Note 6/12: T & T and Sweden played to a scoreless tie. Shockingly, I slept through this match.)

Countries that advance: England and Sweden

Group C: Argentina, Ivory Coast, Serbia and Montenegro, and the Netherlands (the “Political Instability” group)

Don’t cry for Argentina; they’ve got it pretty easy here as the only real gauchos in this group. Don’t ask me how Ivory Coast made it into this tournament, because I have no idea, but I’m thinking that the “George Mason effect” has spread further than we realize. Maybe Ivory Coast travels well?

Games to watch: Ivory Coast vs. Serbia and Montenegro, probably the last stop on the ”Yugoslavia Farewell Tour”

Countries that Advance: Argentina and the Netherlands

Group D: Mexico, Iran, Angola, and Portugal

Our neighbors on the other side of the Arbusto Memorial Adobe Curtain are a very good soccer team, but I didn’t see anyone in the stands waving American flags when they played Iran. Obviously, we’re not that good of a neighbor. Speaking of Iran, they opened up parts of the notorious Evin prison to journalists today, presumably because the World Cup team that normally occupies it is out of town. Or, they’ve moved all the plutonium out of there.

Games to watch: The Grudge Match between Portugal and former colony Angola ended with Portugal winning 1-0. 30 years is not a long time for centuries of wounds to heal.

Countries that advance: Mexico and Portugal

Group E: Italy, Ghana, Czech Republic, and the USA

Let’s face it, the media and FIFA have built up the USA to be some Global Soccer Power for the sake of trying to get Americans to buy in to World Cup mania (and to hike up adverti$ing rates for the next rounds of the WC), but we’re not buying. Czech out the pasting the US team got from a more experienced bunch. No one expects the US to keep up with Italy’s speed, and there’s a good chance that a demoralized 0-2 US team is Ghana get whacked in their 2006 World Cup finale. US fans will be heartbroken, but ESPN and ABC are going to be weeping openly over their lost revenue.

Games to watch: Czech Republic vs. Italy: Solid play and defense vs. team speed, this should be a good soccer game. Whatever that is.

Fun fact: US coach Bruce Arena has secretly brought Bobby Knight in as a consultant to work on team motivation and to help Arena get extra distance when throwing folding chairs onto the pitch.

Countries that advance: Czech Republic and Italy.

Group F: Brazil, Croatia, Australia, and Japan

Denied their request to wear thongs and special personal topiary for World Cup play, the Brazilians will attack their group with renewed vigor and their traditional nut holders.

I refuse to make any jokes about Australia’s 8-minute surprise attack on Japan. And I’m going to ignore Bill Parcells on this one, too.

Games to watch: Brazil against anybody.

Countries that advance: Brazil and Australia.

Group G: France, Switzerland, Korean Republic, Togo (Togo, fer cryin’ out loud?)

Otto Phister can’t decide whether he’s in as Togo’s coach or out to pursue a career as a porn star.

We note with some amusement that the French play one game in Cologne. Some would say that they should always play in Cologne.

Game to watch: France vs. Switzerland, or: no defense vs. no offense. Both teams’ players appear to spend an inordinate amount of time with their hands over their heads; were these players recruited out of their respective armies? Prediction: scoreless tie. Americans will love it. (Update 6/13: France and the Swiss play to a scoreless tie. Shocker, huh?)

Countries that advance: Korea and France.  Hey, I’m a poet and didn’t know it.

Preparation H: Spain, Ukraine, Tunisia, and Saudi Arabia.

I’m tired of this, can we stop now?

Game to watch: Spain vs. Saudi Arabia, because the winner will likely take the group. Not that way, though.

Countries that advance: Spain and Saudi Arabia. Though some may argue that Saudi Arabia is doing just the opposite.

 

Sheesh. Is it over yet?

bc

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